What Could Have Been...

Let me just preface this by saying, don't feel sorry for me. That's not why I'm adding this post to my blog, but as I sit here at the office all alone today (I hate working on Sunday's), I am reminded of the date... June 29th. My boy Oliver was supposed to be born today. I could have been at the hospital pushing my son out into this world, all the pain worth it of course, as all you mothers know. But instead he came early, just as Gracie did and now Josh and I are left with only memories in our hearts instead of our children in our arms. As I left this morning, Josh was out watering the garden and before I kissed him goodbye I asked "Do you know what today is". He smiled his sad little smile and said "Of course I do sweets". Life isn't fair sometimes. And I can see how easy it would be to become bitter and angry, and trust me, I've hit that stage. Some days, I think I'm still there. But I can't let it overwhelm me. My heart aches every single day for our two children that we have lost. (And just a random thought... isn't "lost" a strange way of putting it? I know exactly where my children are... they aren't lost. They just aren't here.) It's not something I will ever get over or forget. I don't want to. I was lucky enough to hold my kids and kiss them and whisper in their ears that their mama loved them and would see them again some day. I was able to give Oliver a bath and dress him in the sweetest white nightgown. Those moments are irreplaceable to me and to Josh. So...as the process of "trying" again starts, I have hope for a successful third pregnancy, but I am also filled with fear and anxiety. What if... ? My eyesight has deteriorated over the last year. I had to get a new prescription for my glasses that I used to only wear at night when I drove but my opthamologist said that stress can wear on the eyes and after what I have been through over the last year, he said he is not surprised at all. The Dr. said "I don't see your level of stress going down until you are holding your next baby in your arms". I would have to agree !! So today, just like every other day... my thoughts are turned to perfection...Gracie and Oliver...

I just want to say how deeply I love my husband. I am not an easy woman to live with. I am emotional and moody and passionate and stubborn. And he loves me anyway. I have such a great relationship with Josh and we "get" each other so well. He makes me laugh and he takes care of us and works so damn hard (yes, damn was appropriate right there). About a month ago something in me just switched. Something all of a sudden changed and I can't explain it. I had more patience, I didn't stress about everything being in it's place or Josh doing what I asked him to do the VERY moment I asked him to do it. I looked at my husband on that day and thought I would die if I lost him. And I have always loved Josh so much, but on this day that I noticed the change in me, my love for him grew even deeper. I'm sure that all sounds odd, but whatever it was has changed me and my marriage is better then it has ever been. Losing two children in a year is hard on a marriage, and it has put some strain on us, but luckily, it has made Josh and me even closer. Josh, mere words could never do my feelings for you justice. I love you more then you will ever know...