Lots To Catch Up On...
It has been so long since I've been on my blog. Josh and I met with our friends Kristin and Paul for lunch last weekend and Kris said she checks to see if I'm back on every now and then. So I thought I'd better get back on here so my friends know I'm doing okay.
Things have been rough for Josh and me since we lost our little Oliver. As much as it has devastated me and caused me to start having panic attacks, (They put me on some medicine to calm my nerves and I'm getting better, but still have them every couple days. I know the anxiety will taper off and that makes me feel better, but my nerves are still very raw so the medicine helps.) I think this time was even harder for Josh. He immediately skipped the "sadness" part in the grieving process and went straight to anger. Not at anyone in particular, but just in general.( I experienced that feeling with Gracie) He has said many times, "we don't deserve this". I tell him no one deserves to lose their children. But I reassure him that there is hope and we'll be with our kids again some day. (even if he doesn't quite understand that whole process.... I will make it happen for our family). I was just looking at pictures of Oliver last night and I can't believe how little and perfect he was... and so darn cute. But I can't think of Oliver without thinking about Gracie. The two just come together in my thoughts. It amazes me that I am the mother of two perfect children. And I know I will see them and raise them again in days I hope, aren't too far from now. So, We have our good days, and our bad days, but just like before and always, Josh and I lean on and have each other. My mom came out for 2 weeks and it was so great to have her here. If I can find anything positive out of losing another baby, it was that I felt closer to my mom then I have in several years. We had been struggling off and on for awhile and I really felt that closeness again when she was here. And more then that... Josh and my mom got along. For whatever reason(s), that relationship had not progressed in a good way since Josh and I started dating. I felt trapped in the middle of my mother and my husband. But for the first time, things were peaceful and friendly and jovial. They got along great and I would even say a friendship developed. Hopefully the hard feelings between the two are in the past now and we can all move forward.
So... I swear we have the worst luck sometimes :)But, things happen for a reason. I always say that. When I went back to work after having Oliver... I was there two days and I got laid off. I wasn't surprised. Even before I left, I had been hearing rumors that the company was having financial problems with the way Real Estate is
these days. And then when I got back to work I read through all my emails that had been sent out while I was gone on bed rest, there was even more talk about big decisions having to be made, and changes in the company, and meetings being set up.... so, on Tuesday when the broker called me in to her office, I wasn't surprised. In fact I was a little relieved. Other then being stressed about the lack of money coming in for us from my job, I really felt like it happened for a reason. I still need more time to heal and grieve and doing that at work was so hard. It's not very professional to sit there and cry all day in an office. ( even though I tried to keep it under control. I'm not very good at it). So I'm getting unemployment, as I'm sure others from the company will. I heard they are shutting down our St. George office all together. So it's a hard time for everyone in Real Estate right now. So even though it won't be as much money, it will still help and we'll be fine. Josh is very good with our money and I never worry about things. We actually took a vacation a few weeks ago to the Oregon Coast and took a day to go back to our lighthouse where we got married. It was so funny walking around saying " do you remember we stood right there and did this.. or do you remember right over there we did that"... too cute... and I can't believe a year and a half has passed us right by. So much has happened in that short amount of time. But I couldn't have married a better man !! It was nice to get away, although, you can't really "run" from the pain we are going through, but it was still nice to have some one on one husband and wife time. We also stopped in Boise on the way to the coast and spent a couple days with Brennon and Ryan. It was so good to see them. They are growing up so fast. Brennon is turning 6 on April 27 and Ryan is getting baptized in May (he turns 8 on the 16th). I sure do love those boys and wish we lived closer. I would LOVE to live in Boise again. But...as far as work, my wonderful husband has told me to take my time and find a job that I really enjoy. So I'm looking and we'll see what happens. Josh is also looking, so there is a chance we could move if he gets something. But the Forest Service and Government are having funding problems as well... (can you guess where all the money is going?) So we'll see what happens. With gas prices the way they are, I'd like to find something in Heber. I know it wouldn't pay as much, but we'd probably save the extra in gas. It's crazy !! So right now... my house is spotless, dinner is always ready when Josh gets home, the laundry is always kept up and in between looking for jobs, I am keeping myself busy doing crafts. I've made some stuff that I love lately. AND... I have been telling my mom for years that she needed something that she could do just for HER. She hasn't had a hobby in years. So, a couple years ago I started buying her really cute crafty stuff, but she always said " I need you here to help me, I'm not very creative". So before she came out to be with us after Oliver, I told her to pack everything and anything crafty she had. And boy did she. A whole suitcase full of stuff. She brought things from her trip to New York and Italy, like receipts and postcards and just cute memory stuff from her trips. We had a BLAST doing crafts. I think she is addicted now to scrap booking because she gets up early on days she doesn’t have to go to the hospital (she's a nurse) and scrapbooks. She calls me all the time and says " Hi, I'm scrap booking, what are you doing". She says every time she leaves the house she comes back with a Michaels bag in her hand :) I'm so happy for her. And, she called me the other day and said " You've really inspired me Deb... do you want to hear some poetry I wrote" ... She's too cute. It's so fun to see her do things that are just for her. She needs that. She puts so much effort into taking care of other people. SO... "You Go Girl!! ( I can't really pull that saying off can I ? :) )
I thought I'd share some of the crafts I've done lately. Most of these are within the last couple days, but a couple are from last Christmas (my special present to people) and something I made Josh when we got married. It's nice having a break from work. My emotions are all over the place right now. So being creative helps. I've been writing a lot as well. But to be honest... I'd rather be doing crafts and writing while my sweet baby is taking a peaceful nap in the next room... we'll get there. We're not giving up. When I get pregnant again, we will do the cercloche (sp) at, it's either between 12-14 weeks or 14-16 weeks, But as early as we can. And that should give us a better chance of carrying the baby longer. I probably won't go full term, but hopefully we can get to a point where it's safe to deliver the baby. I will be a mother... not only in the next life, but in this life as well... I know we will be blessed. And I want to say thank you for all the sweet comments during our hard time. Keep us in your prayers...I love you guys !
Things we've been up to lately...
Sunset on the ocean...
Taking a walk into town (Depot Bay)...
Stopping to camp one night...
Hiking to some waterfalls...
Getting to see Bren and Ryan in Boise. They were wearing the T-shirts Grandma Kramer sent them from Italy...
My special project for Oliver...
Daddy Holding Oliver...
These are Olivers' actual hand prints
Wedding Present For Josh...
Christmas Crafts I made last year...
Things have been rough for Josh and me since we lost our little Oliver. As much as it has devastated me and caused me to start having panic attacks, (They put me on some medicine to calm my nerves and I'm getting better, but still have them every couple days. I know the anxiety will taper off and that makes me feel better, but my nerves are still very raw so the medicine helps.) I think this time was even harder for Josh. He immediately skipped the "sadness" part in the grieving process and went straight to anger. Not at anyone in particular, but just in general.( I experienced that feeling with Gracie) He has said many times, "we don't deserve this". I tell him no one deserves to lose their children. But I reassure him that there is hope and we'll be with our kids again some day. (even if he doesn't quite understand that whole process.... I will make it happen for our family). I was just looking at pictures of Oliver last night and I can't believe how little and perfect he was... and so darn cute. But I can't think of Oliver without thinking about Gracie. The two just come together in my thoughts. It amazes me that I am the mother of two perfect children. And I know I will see them and raise them again in days I hope, aren't too far from now. So, We have our good days, and our bad days, but just like before and always, Josh and I lean on and have each other. My mom came out for 2 weeks and it was so great to have her here. If I can find anything positive out of losing another baby, it was that I felt closer to my mom then I have in several years. We had been struggling off and on for awhile and I really felt that closeness again when she was here. And more then that... Josh and my mom got along. For whatever reason(s), that relationship had not progressed in a good way since Josh and I started dating. I felt trapped in the middle of my mother and my husband. But for the first time, things were peaceful and friendly and jovial. They got along great and I would even say a friendship developed. Hopefully the hard feelings between the two are in the past now and we can all move forward.
So... I swear we have the worst luck sometimes :)But, things happen for a reason. I always say that. When I went back to work after having Oliver... I was there two days and I got laid off. I wasn't surprised. Even before I left, I had been hearing rumors that the company was having financial problems with the way Real Estate is
these days. And then when I got back to work I read through all my emails that had been sent out while I was gone on bed rest, there was even more talk about big decisions having to be made, and changes in the company, and meetings being set up.... so, on Tuesday when the broker called me in to her office, I wasn't surprised. In fact I was a little relieved. Other then being stressed about the lack of money coming in for us from my job, I really felt like it happened for a reason. I still need more time to heal and grieve and doing that at work was so hard. It's not very professional to sit there and cry all day in an office. ( even though I tried to keep it under control. I'm not very good at it). So I'm getting unemployment, as I'm sure others from the company will. I heard they are shutting down our St. George office all together. So it's a hard time for everyone in Real Estate right now. So even though it won't be as much money, it will still help and we'll be fine. Josh is very good with our money and I never worry about things. We actually took a vacation a few weeks ago to the Oregon Coast and took a day to go back to our lighthouse where we got married. It was so funny walking around saying " do you remember we stood right there and did this.. or do you remember right over there we did that"... too cute... and I can't believe a year and a half has passed us right by. So much has happened in that short amount of time. But I couldn't have married a better man !! It was nice to get away, although, you can't really "run" from the pain we are going through, but it was still nice to have some one on one husband and wife time. We also stopped in Boise on the way to the coast and spent a couple days with Brennon and Ryan. It was so good to see them. They are growing up so fast. Brennon is turning 6 on April 27 and Ryan is getting baptized in May (he turns 8 on the 16th). I sure do love those boys and wish we lived closer. I would LOVE to live in Boise again. But...as far as work, my wonderful husband has told me to take my time and find a job that I really enjoy. So I'm looking and we'll see what happens. Josh is also looking, so there is a chance we could move if he gets something. But the Forest Service and Government are having funding problems as well... (can you guess where all the money is going?) So we'll see what happens. With gas prices the way they are, I'd like to find something in Heber. I know it wouldn't pay as much, but we'd probably save the extra in gas. It's crazy !! So right now... my house is spotless, dinner is always ready when Josh gets home, the laundry is always kept up and in between looking for jobs, I am keeping myself busy doing crafts. I've made some stuff that I love lately. AND... I have been telling my mom for years that she needed something that she could do just for HER. She hasn't had a hobby in years. So, a couple years ago I started buying her really cute crafty stuff, but she always said " I need you here to help me, I'm not very creative". So before she came out to be with us after Oliver, I told her to pack everything and anything crafty she had. And boy did she. A whole suitcase full of stuff. She brought things from her trip to New York and Italy, like receipts and postcards and just cute memory stuff from her trips. We had a BLAST doing crafts. I think she is addicted now to scrap booking because she gets up early on days she doesn’t have to go to the hospital (she's a nurse) and scrapbooks. She calls me all the time and says " Hi, I'm scrap booking, what are you doing". She says every time she leaves the house she comes back with a Michaels bag in her hand :) I'm so happy for her. And, she called me the other day and said " You've really inspired me Deb... do you want to hear some poetry I wrote" ... She's too cute. It's so fun to see her do things that are just for her. She needs that. She puts so much effort into taking care of other people. SO... "You Go Girl!! ( I can't really pull that saying off can I ? :) )
I thought I'd share some of the crafts I've done lately. Most of these are within the last couple days, but a couple are from last Christmas (my special present to people) and something I made Josh when we got married. It's nice having a break from work. My emotions are all over the place right now. So being creative helps. I've been writing a lot as well. But to be honest... I'd rather be doing crafts and writing while my sweet baby is taking a peaceful nap in the next room... we'll get there. We're not giving up. When I get pregnant again, we will do the cercloche (sp) at, it's either between 12-14 weeks or 14-16 weeks, But as early as we can. And that should give us a better chance of carrying the baby longer. I probably won't go full term, but hopefully we can get to a point where it's safe to deliver the baby. I will be a mother... not only in the next life, but in this life as well... I know we will be blessed. And I want to say thank you for all the sweet comments during our hard time. Keep us in your prayers...I love you guys !
Things we've been up to lately...
Sunset on the ocean...
Taking a walk into town (Depot Bay)...
Stopping to camp one night...
Hiking to some waterfalls...
Getting to see Bren and Ryan in Boise. They were wearing the T-shirts Grandma Kramer sent them from Italy...
My special project for Oliver...
Daddy Holding Oliver...
These are Olivers' actual hand prints
Wedding Present For Josh...
Christmas Crafts I made last year...
Comments
It's great to see you back "blogging" again. I'm also glad that you and Josh got away to the Oregon coast and had the opportunity to spend time with the boys in Boise.
Paula and I think about the two of you often and hope that you will be able to come east soon to spend some time with your Mom, Dad, Audrey and Pete, Matt, your Grandma and all the Laneys, and of course, with the "out-laws" --- AKA the Chi-town Kramers, Hayns, and Farringtons and the extended Cincy Link family. We've got the food, table, wine!!!, and plenty of love whenever you are able to find time to visit.
It's also been said by more than a few folks that 6407 Meis Avenue has a special infestation of viruses that have frequently caused the dreaded disease, edemaria spoiledbratticus, a mysterious 9-month long condition characterized by progressive mid-section swelling, morning queasiness, an abrupt expulsion of small whiny things, and many years of chronically high food, doctor, education, clothing, and transportation bills coupled with frustrations, peevishness, pride, and unconditional love. Paula and I have experienced these conditions first hand and, despite some minor deleterious effects, we highly recommend putting yourselves in these infectious surroundings.
Obviously, you saw that my sister is adopting... she never got as far along as you have, but she has had years of infertility, and many miscarriages, so I know just a taste of what you're going through. Just a taste.
Well, what can I say except that you're doing well to put one foot in front of the other, to hang on to hope, to look for what is beautiful and love your husband... for now that is a full-time job, I'm sure.
Grace and peace to you, sweetie,
Jen
I don't have any words for you that others haven't spoken - I cannot imagine your loss and the heaviness that it must bring.
I do know that you are brave and strong and that you have a tender heart.
Keep writing - it is good for the soul no matter what state you are in.
Sarah
I was so happy to see you back to blogging. I have been one of those checking it every day hoping you'd be back.
I am in awe of your ability to look at the positive in things and believe that your outlook greatly improves the present.
Love you!
Carolyn
Yes, Deb, there's hope... there's always hope!! It's often in the moments when we think that God seems furthest away that He is actually most actively working in our lives.
I wish you could meet Jan and talk to her - what a journey she has had. God's ways are not always ours, that's for sure, and the difficulty is in accepting them and learning to believe that they are GOOD, no matter what they appear to be, no matter what we feel.
We are free to feel, to be sad, to be confused or angry. The prophets and the psalms are full of the voices of those who struggled with these same feelings!
But He is FREER to accomplish all His good and holy will, and thank goodness, what a mercy. And that will IS good, and THAT is our purest hope!
But sometimes, many times, we have to fight through the "seen" to get to the truth of what is "unseen."
"Now faith is the substance of things HOPED for,
the evidence of things not seen.
AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT..."
that's from Hebrews... but I'm too lazy to go look up the exact location! :)
I love those verses. I hope they will bless you today.
Grace, HOPE, and peace to you!
Jen
Anyhoo... Glad you're back!
I was wondering when I saw that post " Who the heck is mommy ? "... Glad to know it's you...love you :)