Tuesday's Pick...

The other day I was looking on our "old" computer (desktop-gasp !) and found some notes I had jotted down on subjects and questions to write about. This is something I used to do a long time ago with my journal entries. I would gather a bunch of different topics and put them all in a jar and pick one each day for that entry. With Facebook being so accessible these days, I feel as though I'm neglecting my blog...which at one time used to be the place I came to, to really express myself and share things about my family. While Facebook is quick and easy, I don't feel like it "really" connects people. It just seems cold to me. A blog is personal. It's who you are. So I'm really going to try to focus more on my blog and share things that have meaning to me. Not just pictures of how cute my kids are or of the latest dish I've created in the kitchen. It's time to get personal...again !


So I randomly picked one of the topics to write about today and will continue to do that on my blog. I want people to actually read my blog again. And enjoy it :)


Today's topic: Describe how you felt when you gave birth...




Most little girls dream of being mothers when they grow up. I was one of them. While I also wanted to be a florist like Janet from Three's Company, my main "Job" was to be a mother and wife. After many years of dating, having my heart broken, breaking hearts myself... I finally found "the one". Unlike most of my friends who married very young, I (had to) wait until I was 34 to get married. But that's just the way it was supposed to be for me. Had I married one of the "other guys', who knows where I would be today. Things happen for a reason. I waited all those years for a reason. For Josh ! He was worth the wait.


When you are little and dreaming, you never imagine you will have to wait so long, or that you will have issues with getting pregnant, not being able to get pregnant at all, or having difficult pregnancies. I never in a million years, dreamed I would have problems becoming a mother. Getting pregnant was never a problem. Josh and I just have to look at each other and I'm pregnant !! But in the 5 years we have been married, I have had 4 babies. We found out that I have a problem w/ my cervix that makes it hard to "stay" pregnant after 20 weeks. This problem requires a procedure called a cerclage. A stitch that holds my cervix closed and allows the baby to grow to full term. (in most cases). We have two of those beautiful children here w/ us. Noah and Liam. And two of them were only here for a short while. They came to this earth to gain a body, and then returned back home to their Father in Heaven. To be honest, for reasons I still struggle to understand. Gracie and Oliver left this earth much too soon. But I hold out hope that I will see them again and raise them as my own some day.  I have to believe that or my heart will be broken all over again.  


If I'm going to talk about giving birth, I have to speak of all of my children. Because the truth is, I have had 4 babies. Giving birth to Gracie and Oliver was something I will never forget. Josh and I were so scared. It was too early. We went from being so happy about being pregnant, to being completely devastated at the thought of losing our children. And we knew the outcome was not going to be good. No parent should ever have to experience losing their children. I won't go into too much detail, because those precious moments and hours that we shared w/ our babies is so sacred to us. But I will say how grateful I am that I was able to hold them and kiss them, and dress them, and bathe them and say goodbye to them. Letting the nurse take them from my arms was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. We decided to have them cremated. I know what many people think about this, but I didn't and still don't care. We did what we needed to do. I could not bare the thought of putting my babies tiny bodies in the ground. I just wasn't going to do it. I knew we would not live in Utah for much longer and I was not going to leave them behind. They are here w/ us now in our house and it brings me so much comfort. A part of them is with us. They will forever be a part of our family. They will never be forgotten and they will be forever loved !! They are my angels...


Giving birth to our sweet Noah was, along w/ marrying Josh, the happiest day of my life. We made it to 38 weeks and I knew he would be healthy. The cerclage procedure worked and it got my baby here safely. After 10 hours of labor and an hour of pushing, he was here. My first thought was " he's so tiny", and then I cried so hard. Tears of joy ! He was here. I had my baby after waiting so long to become a mother. He has been such a blessing to our family. Every mother says their kid is special, and I'm one of them. Noah has such a unique personality. He is so funny and smart and such a sweetheart. I am so blessed to have a husband who works so hard so that I'm able to stay home w/ Noah. The last 2 1/2 years have been some of the most amazing, and hard, and proud, and exhausting years of my life. I am so in love w/ my little boy who is quickly becoming a big boy. Time has just flown by and it makes me sad. I try to savour every moment. Good and bad because I know I'll never get them back. I love this child so much and I am SO proud to be his mother. My life is better because of him.


With my age getting "up there"...after Noah we didn't think we'd have another baby, but I guess there were some plans we didn't know about. I was so happy to find out that I was pregnant again. The pregnancy again was very hard, but we made it to 37 1/2 weeks. My labor was very long ( about 2 days), but with 3 pushes, Liam entered the world. My first thought was " oh my gosh, he's so bruised". I was so scared when I looked ta him. He had been sitting in my pelvis for so long that his whole face was swollen and bruised. They had to put a sign on his bassinet that said " I have a bruised face" because the nurses, at first glance thought he wasn't breathing. But, he was perfectly healthy. And after a few days we were able to see how absolutely beautiful he was. Liam is such a laid back baby and smiles all the time. I so desperately wanted another baby after Noah but just wasn't sure if it was in the cards. So when he came, I felt such a completion to my life and to our family. He made us complete. Josh and I are tired all the time, but we are so happy when we look at our two boys. They are so beautiful and our family is so precious to us. I've never been happier. I married the love of my life and I am the mother to 4 beautiful children. Two of which I will raise in another life. Noah and Liam are my life. I would, like most mothers do anything to make them happy. They made my dreams come true. For that, I will forever be grateful to them.  









Comments

Erin Felsheim said…
I read your post with tears in my eyes. I feel your love for your beautiful family.
Lindsey Marie said…
Beutifully said! Love you Deb!
Lin
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